"And if ye receive not the Spirit..."

"...ye shall not teach." (Doctrine and Covenants 42:14). 

Have you ever run into that moment when you feel like you've arrived at that final destination where you can do no wrong? Have you ever hit that moment after being taught specifically that you have not nor will you reach "it" for quite a lot more time? Well, that about sums up my last few days. 

Elder David A. Bednar once invited a woman to ask the Lord where she stands. He cautioned her, however, to remember what it was she was really asking for and to prepare herself for a brutally honest experience. I decided to take that challenge and ask exactly how I was doing. The response? I am starting to better understand the significance of putting to action what we learn. God trusts us a lot with the knowledge He gives us. He expects us to act according to the understanding of our hearts. This is why Moroni invites the reader of the Book of Mormon to "...ask God, in the name of Christ, with a sincere heart and real intent..." Without that "real intent," there is no reason to have knowledge added upon our heads. I am convinced that Heavenly Father does not deal in random trivia. He knows we only need pure, simple doctrine that will point us to salvation. 

Well I decided that I wanted to know, but not to do. Not that it was too hard, but that I simply didn't want to put forth the effort required. I had been so richly instructed these last few weeks that I almost forgot the importance of acting on what I was learning. I let it slide through the cracks of my life. Today it all sort of blew up in my face. I knew exactly when my prayers where not sincere. I felt immediately that I had not adequately prepared. And most of all, I was shaken by the very doubts and fears that had haunted me before I had figured out how to combat them. It frightened me. I felt very vulnerable and almost alone. It was after teaching that a piercing thought came to my mind, "how can I teach you more when you will not experiment and experience what you have already been taught?" Talk about a firm rebuking. I knew that it simply wouldn't do to keep making goals that I didn't intend to keep. I also knew that I needed to make meaningful goals and keep them if I was to progress anymore. So I sit (because I'm not standing while typing this) here with a repentant heart. I will do better. "And there's nuttin' you girls can do about it!"

Time to Organize

There is a level of organization and concreteness when one write's one's thoughts down. There is a level of commitment and determination when those written thoughts are then published for anyone to see. This is me holding myself accountable to the things I know.

It's been quite a few weeks since I have blogged. In those past few weeks, I allowed myself to become idle, lazy and otherwise, "not a wise servant" (Doctrine and Covenants 58:26-29). I won't go into unnecessary detail but suffice it to say that my movement was digression rather than progression. It has been in the last few days that I have realized this lack of proactiveness and decided to do something about it. As teachers in the MTC, we have been focusing a lot on holiness. What I have learned in my studies of this is how much being holy requires us to use our personal agency to gain and use the power of the Atonement.

Now this sounds really cool and all, but what do I do about it? Well, with it being summer and all, there are plenty of opportunities to waste time. Time wasted on social networking sites, mindless websites and random games on my phone, is time that I could have spent cultivating new talents, learning something new from history or science, discovering, spending time with friends or simply cleaning my apartment. I am on my way to make a plan that will motivate and provide an opportunity for me to avoid wasting time and focus on the things that are most important. I'll let you know how that plan goes.

I don't have much else to say today, other than thank you for reading. I slipped into a dangerous place but I am in the process of rising back up again. :)

Scatterbrained Much?

I'm sitting in my grandma's house thinking to myself, "Self, remember when you started a blog and wanted to record funny and spiritual stories?" Self replies to I, "why yes I. I do remember that." 

"Then Self," I inquire, "why did you stop?" 

"Well, I, let me tell you." To which Me promptly steps into the conversation.

So not to whine about my life, but things have been a little rough the past few days. Mostly because I've been incredibly confused and haven't been able to resolve that confusion in my brain. What's even more crazy is I couldn't tell you what I'm even confused about. I'm just confused. 

I was talking to my friend about my confusion when I came to a realization. I told her I felt like a lost and confused soldier. Well, when a soldier needs direction, don't they turn to base for orders? Why don't I just turn to base?

I did. In fact, I was reminded that I do frequently. That can be a source of the problem. Now before I get judged for my heresy, hear me out...or read me out? The Lord gives this statement in the Doctrine and Covenants, "For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward." (D&C 58:26) I get to some places in my life where I pray to be commanded in all things. I don't know how to proceed so I ask and ask for specific guidance. The answer comes as a, "have faith and do something. I'll tell you if it be right."  I was told that whatever will happen will happen and that I shouldn't be too concerned about it. (I've been receiving the advice, "Don't worry so much" a lot. haha). 

On the flip side, however, I also wonder if it isn't simply a matter of patience. Have I done all I can do? Now is it simply time to wait and let what may be, be? I have not come to one definite answer yet for this question, but rather I feel like the Lord is teaching me as per His usual, "line upon line, precept upon precept." I am currently wrestling with two major questions, What does the Lord want me to become? and How can I better teach/serve as the Savior did/does? In my studies regarding these two questions, I have come to learn that to answer either of these questions, I must act in faith. Faith, as one missionary defined it so well for me, is courage. Courage to do what needs to be done, whether we see the end result or not. It is this courage, combined with patience, that I am striving to develop this week. I thank my loving Father in Heaven for wonderful friends/family who help me stay pointed in that direction. More importantly, I thank Him for sending His Son so that I may have the power of the Atonement to draw upon in times of struggle. I cannot travel this path alone. 

Thank you for reading my musings. I'm feeling so good, I might just include a poem. :)

The Purpose

Today is why I needed to do this project. Well, one of the reasons anyway.

Funny story:
I actually had trouble coming up with one for today. I had a little help to remember though. The funny story for today comes from my experience in the MTC. While I was in the MTC, we were informed that we would be taking on an experience to humble us and help us rediscover the purpose of missionary work through action. We chose a companion to teach with and were then given the opportunity to teach an investigator. Now it feels like I haven't done this in a long time...because I haven't so as soon as the announcement was made, I was terrified! How could I teach? I was so out of practice! The sheer nervousness it brought up in me just caused me to laugh. It looks like I'll be practicing hard core these next couple weeks.

Spiritual story:
Heavenly Father teaches us "line upon line. Precept upon precept." Sometimes the answer we are looking for  is simply buried in a serious of answers. When we finish one line, another line is brought before us to take on. Sometimes we want the full answer, the big picture, all at once, right now. We are very impatient creatures. What we fail to realize in our hurry to gain knowledge is that that knowledge had been coming to us the whole time. We are promised that if we are good and do all we know we should, knowledge and understanding will "distill upon [our] soul[s] as the dews from heaven" (D&C 121:45). When we get too hasty, we forget what we have already learned.

Oh my goodness! This is why the prophets in the Book of Mormon are always telling us to "remember"! How can doctrine gather like a morning dew if we forget what we have already received? The purpose of learning is to build on what has already been given. If we throw what we have been given aside, on what foundation shall we build?

Thank you for reading. I pray the Lord's blessing on you. =)

Count Your Many Blessings...

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed.
When you are discouraged thinking all is lost.
Count your many blessings name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done." (LDS Hymnbook #241)

Funny story time:

I love people. They sincerely and dearly want to help in any way possible. The problem with being the one in distress, it's hard to tell what they can help with. Today I was in a bit of distress. It's the kind of distress that only time can really heal. Time and a good attitude I should say. But, because people are so wonderful, they want to help. So my funny story of the day is this, how many times can a girl hear "This must mean there is someone even better out there for you." before the day is through? Any guesses? The answer is roughly 10. That exact phrase. This is where my brain reminds me, "it's the thought that counts."

Spiritual story time:

This also involves my distress but in a good way. When I become distressed, I reach a point where I feel like I can't do anything anymore. This phantom-like pain runs through my spine and I can't shut off the water works in my eyes. It was in this state that I felt to call upon the Lord. "Heavenly Father!" I shouted from within my agony, "I can't do this alone. Not tonight. Please, if you will, just hold me tonight. Send an angel or 20 to just hold me!" (Yeah so maybe I was feeling a little melodramatic.) As soon as the prayer was closed and my covers folded over my shoulder, I felt a feeling of great peace, almost smothering but in a comforting way. When I woke up this morning, I felt great. I was well rested and eager to begin the day.

God loves His children. He doesn't prevent heartache and sadness, but He knows what we are going through and will always be there with a shoulder to cry on. Just as the prophet Nephi said, "Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.
And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.
And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.
O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?" (2 Nephi 4:23-26)

It is important to remember the good things in life when storms beat upon you. So count your many blessings and the Lord will show you how blessed you truly are.

New Beginnings

I love the feel of a new semester. You get new roommates, new classes and new experiences to explore. Starting off a new semester is always an interesting experience for me. Starting off with a responsibility in the church this early just adds to the adjustment madness. Just like a new transfer on the mission, there are goals to be set. I have made a goal to make this semester a sacred yet fun experience. I intend to use this blog in order to do just that. I want to take this next week and write a post EVERY day. (I know what you're probably thinking. "but you said you were going to do that a different time and you didn't do it." Cut me some slack. I'm a changed woman!) In each post, I'm going to tell the story of my day. You could say I'm going back to the roots of this blog. Each day I will share a fun story and a special story. Sacred stories will be staying with me.

Here goes my fun story:

So I ran up to campus after work today to practice my guitar with a piano in a practice room. I felt so good walking up with the sun shining down and some dark clouds in the distance. I figured I'd only be there for an hour or two so I wouldn't need a jacket to prepare for the storm that was rumored to show. After working for about an hour I decided it was time to head home. I looked outside and about cried. It was pouring! I was not prepared at all. My umbrella was at home and I had no idea if my cover for the guitar was really THAT water-proof. "Oh well," I thought, "It looks like I can either wait it out or just plow on through." I chose option B. After getting thoroughly soaked, I finally made it home. I decided it might be best to not go outside anymore. That was my funny story for the day.

Here is my more spiritual story:

Lately I've been feeling a bit of a drag in my spiritual sensitivity. Something has been using up my resources.
I couldn't figure out what it was. I'm not in classes anymore. I'm with a great guy. I have a great family. There was not logical reason for my inability to keep my emotions together...or was there? I was walking up to campus to watch the weekly devotional just thinking. I was thinking about when I could call different family members because I hadn't talked to them in a while. I had the plan beautifully orchestrated in my mind. Then an impression came to my mind. "When was the last time you went to such lengths to have a conversation with your Father in Heaven?" Oh dear...I stopped, literally and stood for a brief second. When WAS the last time I had seriously planned out a time where I could just communicate with God? Sure I read my scriptures. Sure I prayed often. But those had started to become rote, repetitive. When had I just talked with Him? Talk about being humbled.

Want to guess what the topic of the devotional was? If you said prayer, you'd be close. The speaker actually talked about the Holy Ghost. In a world where instant communication is not so new anymore, we too often forget or take for granted the precious gift of the Holy Ghost. He talked about using technology for our benefit and not allowing it to use us. It takes a conscious choice to not take that text right away or focus on the people in the room rather than those on your social media site. I felt a need to make a lot of changes in my life.

Well it's a bit choppy but that's what I have today. Thanks for reading. :) Tomorrow will be a new adventure. Today is a lesson to be learned from.

Who are God's "little ones"?

I have been studying pride a lot in the scriptures lately. Something about me having too much of it. While in the course of my studies, I was hit with a ray of inspiration I hope to make clear in this post.

First, we begin with a quote from President Ezra Taft Benson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, "The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.' It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us." (April 1989) When I first heard that quote, it struck me that pride, the root of all sin, has a root. That root is enmity. Whenever we have pride, we have hatred toward someone. In my case, my hatred is usually directed inward.

In pondering over this thought, I was led to then look to see what attribute I need to acquire to root out this hatred. Humility is the opposite so I pondered what could be the central feature of humility. "Well," I thought to myself, "if hatred is the center of pride, love must be the center of humility." It makes sense, right? Love is the polar opposite of hatred.

Then that got me thinking even farther. Bring in the scripture found in Matthew 18:4-6.

"Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.
But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea."

Now I ask you this, God has a lot of children. Everyone who has lived, does live and ever will live on this earth is a precious son or daughter of God. Yet He is willing to protect His precious little ones by force if necessary. So now I ask myself, who exactly are God's "little ones"? This is the conclusion I have come to.

We are God's little ones. All of us. I am one of His little ones. Because I am one of his little ones, I have a responsibility to be kind to myself. Should I offend myself, "it were better for [me] that a millstone were hanged about [my] neck, and that [I] were drowned in the depth of the sea." Now that is not to say that God is going to punish me with fire and brimstone every time I have a displeasing thought toward this particular daughter of His, but it does show how strongly He feels about me. He expects us to show the same respect we show to others to ourselves.

This has been my thought for the past...pretty close to a month. I hope you enjoyed it. Now that the semester ends this week, I should have more time to blog and share new thoughts. :) Thank you for reading!

It Always Gets Darkest Before the Dawn

Haven't we all heard this phrase at some time or another in our lives? Whether coming from a movie, our parents or a trusted friend, we can all agree that generally speaking, life gets harder before it gets better.

These past few weeks have been a confirmation to me that this statement is true. As you know, I was super stressed, sick, and other such nonsense. Satan was doing his best to keep me down and strip away my hope. I felt beaten down, abandoned and utterly worthless. That is when the experience from my last post came into play. 

This weekend has been one giant miracle after another. I thought I understood God's love and willingness to answer prayers...I stand corrected. I have no idea!! In my last post, I talked about pleading for just a confirmation that God is aware of me and my situation. All I really wanted was the weight I felt crushing me to either be lifted or my strength increased. While I got that, I have also received so much more! My heart feels like it could just burst with joy! There are so many things going well in my life, I cannot believe I discounted any of them!

I can't really describe how joyous and merciful and utterly loving our Father in Heaven is. He wants to give us everything! Is there any wonder why it would seem like He would get frustrated with us when we sin? He knows we're better than that! He knows what we are capable of. He also is the most patient Being anywhere so He has the capacity to help us. How grateful I am that Heavenly Father loves me enough to let me learn for myself. How grateful I am for Jesus Christ and His Atoning sacrifice that made it possible for me to learn for myself instead of just repeatedly damming myself. Jesus Christ lives. He loves you. Remember who you are. Remember where you came from. Remember why YOU are here and where you are striving to go. Don't know the answers to these questions? I invite you to talk to two people. First, your Heavenly Father. Go to Him in prayer and I promise you, He will answer. Next, the missionaries. These young men and women have been called of God and set apart for this exact purpose! You can get in contact with them by talking to your local Mormon, or by visiting this website. Please go.

Now for those of you who do think you understand these questions, I invite you to speak with your Father in Heaven. Ask Him to confirm and teach you more on the subject. I promise you, He will open your eyes to greater knowledge and understanding, resulting in greater intelligence. Then share what you have learned with others. I'm cheating. I have a blog. :D Share it with your family, your neighbor, your close friend. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Don't be preachy, just be real. :) Thanks for reading everyone!

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

I had a moment today that I had to blog about.

As many of you are aware, I returned from serving as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in August, 2012. Since that time, I've been in somewhat of a struggle to find my purpose to life now. When you're a missionary, everything is all planned out. You wake up, exercise, eat, study, teach/find, eat, teach/find some more, eat again, teach/find, plan, wind down, sleep, repeat. Since I've been home, my schedule is anything but planned or regular. I rarely know where I'm going to be and too often, I don't know what I'll be doing. I've learned that I like plans. I don't necessarily always follow the plan but I like to have one anyway. It keeps me focused.

Anyway, since my life has started to become a little planless, my life has started to feel like it is falling apart. Noisy, destructive thoughts came creeping in from the dark recesses of my mind. Light and joy was overshadowed with darkness, distress and a little bit of fear. Last night was when it all hit a climax. I was stressed beyond belief. On one hand, I welcomed the idea of locking myself in my room, never to emerge until all my problems vanished with simple passage of time. On the other hand, I was afraid to go home from visiting a close friend because I didn't want to fall into that trap of idleness and misery.

Soon I found myself back at home. I knew I needed to go to bed because it was late and I had class early in the morning. I woke up feeling those same doubts and stresses. My load was more than I could bear. In this moment of loneliness and despair, a quiet thought entered my mind. "Call on God." It wasn't anything I hadn't ever thought of before. It wasn't even something I hadn't really tried before. But this time, it was different. I sat on my bed and with tears streaming down my cheeks I pleaded with my Father in Heaven. I begged Him to remove doubt from my mind. I cried in agonizing supplication for forgiveness of myself as well as patience with myself for the weaknesses I was discovering almost hourly.

After this prayer, I stood up and dashed off to class. I had failed my midterm  for this class so I've been working extra hard to do better. I found myself able to better throw myself into the discussion, even though I had missed lecture earlier this week. Then I dashed off to Russian choir. I don't speak a lick of Russian. I joined for a friend. I found the pronunciation easier to get a grasp of and my patience in learning the notes of these unfamiliar hymns held fast. Then I ran like crazy to get to the MTC for a shift at work. I won't be able to work with my missionaries for the remainder of the week so I wanted a chance to see them today. As we practiced and experienced a meaningful study session, I felt the spirit warm my heart and calm my mind. "Everything will be okay, Shavonne. Like you said, I will never abandon you. You know that." The feeling that entered my heart next reminded me of an experience had by another. I felt like the sunshine had just poked through the clouds, warming my soul with it's light. I was directed to a scripture found in Matthew 5:6, which reads, "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled." That was it! My life needed to be filled! Filled with what? Let's ask Jacob..."Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and without price.
Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness." (2 Nephi 9:50-51)

Now I have a purpose. Now I have a goal. I needed to share this experience, so thank you for reading. I know my Savior lives, and that He loves me. God has restored His gospel in it's fullness to the earth. Without it, we cannot return to live with Him again. I love you. Thank you for being in my life.

Update on Life

While my thoughts are all very well, fine and dandy, I'm sure there are some out there who want to know where in the world I've been for the past month. Am I correct? Allow me to fill you in with broad brush strokes.

Last time I posted, I was hoping to do a running commentary of what I had done with the lessons learned in Elder Richard G. Scott's talk. I made it to about two posts then dropped off the grid. Since then, I have taken midterms in each of my classes, started the evaluation process at the Missionary Training Center, visited the ER, and had my blood drawn multiple times. There isn't much to say regarding my medical mishaps, mostly because I don't know. As for the evaluation process, I have been greatly humbled and put back into place. It was kind of silly of me to think I could do it on my own anyway.

My heart rejoices with the access technology gives us to those whom we love but are far from us. I have been able to skype good friends, chat with family, and learn more about the views and standpoints of loved ones overall. What an amazing age we live in! The Lord needed to hasten His work and what better way to do so than to connect almost the entire world together? I'm very grateful He did, because now I can keep better track of those I love and care about. :)

That's all I have today as far as life updates. Wishing all a happy and miraculous week.

Celebration of a Heritage

Hello hello and welcome back to the blog of great experiences! Happy St. Patrick's day to one and all!

Someone brought up in conversation today the pointless nature of St. Patrick's day for those of us who are not Catholic or Irish. What do we do with this holiday except wear green and try to find those who were less cautious? This question, though asked in passing without the intention of causing deeper thought, has caused me to reflect on a singular moment in my life where I learned about the power of one's heritage.

I had attempted to join a Native American hoop dancing team at BYU with the thought that it would be a fun activity to do with one of my friends. Unfortunately, I was only able to attend the practice once before my work schedule changed to have me work on the nights rehearsals were held. During my one-time attendance, we had a special moment where my friend stood up to explain the stripes on her hoops. She told about her Irish ancestry and how St. Patrick's day was one of the biggest holidays celebrated by her family. As I listened to her tell her stories about corned beef and cabbage, my stirred with a deeper desire to know and love my own family heritage and history.

So my answer to this question, "What is the point of St. Patrick's day if you're not Catholic or Irish?" is plainly this, this is a holiday for me to study my family heritage and wish my brother a very happy birthday. I begin this new annual tradition by starting my studies with myself. I will branch upward and outward every year.

My first name was brought overseas by my aunt from Ireland, almost 24 years ago. (Whoa! Weird to think I've almost reached a quarter of a century of life!). This name has held a lot of meaning for me over the years. It has been a symbol of missionary work. My last name was a gift from my father. This name has held a deep rooted meaning to me of hard work and cleverness.

I won't bore you with details of my family heritage, mostly because I simply haven't gathered that many details yet. ;) I do, however, know that there are those on the other side of the veil that are waiting to be discovered. They know us, their descendants and they love us for who we are. I want to find them and get to know them better.

Crazy Things...

Don't know where that phrase comes from but I find myself saying it a lot nowadays.

Forgive my MIAness. I had an incredible weekend with a great deal of learning. I know I promised my thoughts on the previous post's talk so I'll start with that.

I want to start with this video. We talk about our trials sometimes coming from our choices and mistakes. My biggest trial is letting go of what I've done and moving on. I fix it immediately, sure, but I'm not as quick to forgive myself as I should.

Now how does this relate to Elder Richard G. Scott's talk about finding our way back? Let me take you through my thought process. 

Lately my thoughts have been taking me to the word grace. The Bible Dictionary defines grace as, "an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts." After reading that talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, my understanding of grace just deepened dramatically. It really is never too late to repent and come back because of the grace of God!

I was having another one of those downer days where everything just seemed to be crashing in on me. My thoughts went something like this, "Come on Shavonne! You have got to pick up the slack. You can't keep hiding out behind your laptop pretending your stress doesn't exist."

"But," I insist, "life has gotten too hard for me to handle. Everything I do/touch just falls apart. Why go try to change now? I won't be able to do it anyway."

Me interjects here (I and Me argue a lot in my head. I warned you this would be crazy.) to say, "Now you know that's not true. Just because it has seemed that way in the past doesn't mean it is true. You have changed already Shavonne! Don't let this get you down!"

It was at this moment when I pulled out my planner to get my thoughts out of my head. I have to do this every once in a while or I break down in uncontrollable sobs. I was at work. This is what came out on paper, "Why? Why allow yourself to sink into despair? You have a tender heart and a great responsibility to not forget your God. (Now I know why the brother of Jared was chastised for 3 hours) Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Shake off the chains of the evil one and stand tall." There are times when I write that the words the come onto the page are not my own. This was one of those times. I was then guided to Elder Scott's talk when I came across this passage, "Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. (See 1 Ne. 22:26.)" Now here comes the moment where I give thanks to my Father in Heaven for being mindful of me in my situation. I needed comfort AND counsel and He gave it to me. Then He confirmed it through the words of a prophet, seer and revelator.

Now I know, with all the feeling of my soul, that God is mindful of His children. He knows we make mistakes. He knows some of us, namely me, get lazy sometimes and then fall into habits that are less than conducive to effective service in His kingdom while also having fun in the great BYU experience. Those habits won't just change themselves though. We need to start now to make those changes. There is a reason we call this the life experience. It is through our experience that we truly learn and change. Experience doesn't happen without action.

I hope this makes sense. I certainly feel better having written this out. Thank you for reading! May you find your way back to Christ when you stray. 

"Find the Way Back"

It has been brought to my attention through a near constant probing of the Spirit on my heartstrings that somethings in my life are still not in line with the Lord's will. With that, I read a very revelatory talk that has changed my perspective, yet again, and given me hope. I will attach it here then comment tomorrow because my road to change starts with getting myself up in the morning. =)

Finding The Way Back by: Elder Richard G. Scott

The Light Brightens

I realize I already blogged this morning but I gained a tremendous insight today that needs to be recorded. I hope you enjoy it!

"Individuals and families begin to follow Christ as they exercise faith in Him and repent of theirs sins. They receive a remission of sins through baptism and by receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost from one who has authority from God to perform these ordinances. They then endure to the end, or, in other words, they continue throughout their lives in exercising faith in Jesus Christ, repenting, and renewing the covenants they have made. These are not just steps that [I] experience once in [my life]; rather, when repeated throughout life these principles become an increasingly rewarding patter of living. In fact, it is the only way of living that will bring peace of conscience and enable Heavenly Father's children to return to live in His presence" (Preach My Gospel pg. 6 emphasis added). 

I read this paragraph in a mock training meeting for applicants applying to be training coordinators at the MTC. When I read this, the italicized part really stuck out to me. These are NOT simply steps in the doctrine of Christ. These are, simply put, the way of life I am learning to master bit by bit. I'm finding that whenever my capability to learn and act increases, my trials and stress mount up like the tallest canyon walls trying to block my view. What is most amazing to me is the principle of pressing through. Remember how I mentioned in last post the difficulty of "pressing forward with a steadfastness in Christ"? To my understanding now, I am coming to realize that it has to be difficult. This is "good stress." It's healthy to have push back. It's not because I'm being punished for something. (Even if I were, punishment doesn't diminish with tears. It just gets sharper and more painful.) I am being taught from on high. 

This next thought goes out to any RMs reading this. Have you experienced the same doubts I have? I feel like sometimes I am not worthy of miracles and rich blessings because I'm simply not as full-time dedicated to the work as I once was. I feel less entitled to receiving poignant revelation and direction in my actions because now they, my actions, are more for my benefit than another. 

Now that I have my doubts and insecurities out on the table, allow me to shed what light I've gained on the subject. I went running today with a dear friend. Well...running, then wheezing, then walking, then running again. While we were out, we talked about our lives. As most energy-releasing activities do, I found my ability to evaluate my life and form better goals for myself increasing. I came to a realization that blessings take work. Not because God wants me to prove anything to Him. He already knows what I can and can't do. It is because of two reasons: 1. I need to learn my own limits and 2. blessings stem from exercising agency, which requires work. 

I know these thoughts are a little jumbled and for that I apologize. I needed to get these thoughts out so I can let more in. =D Thanks for reading. Tomorrow should offer more clarity.

Light Bulb Moment

Here I hit a wall. I feel the need to blog but find that I have little or nothing to say. It's that feeling you get when writing a paper for school. You know it's due the next day but you don't know what else you could possibly say! Except this should be my thoughts and experiences and those never end.

The days that have passed since my last post have been somewhat of a blur. We had a three day weekend but I couldn't tell you what I did. When I look back, all I see is a haze. I'm self-diagnosing a mental/emotional virus. Others might call it "falling into a funk." Whatever it is, it makes "press[ing] forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men" (2 Nephi 31:20) rather difficult to do, especially in the mornings. As I typed that, my mind flashed to an experience of another young person who simply wanted an answer to a question. When he asked, he said he was seized upon by some being from the unseen world. Could this be my seizing moment? It is hard to fight, to be sure, but it came so subtly I almost didn't recognize it. Maybe that is why Mormon describes the devil with words like subtle and crafty, lying in wait to deceive.

Now I know what I'm fighting. It's amazing how much more free I feel with this knowledge at hand. I can/will pick myself up and dust off my bent shoulders. I will give my burden to One who can carry it. I'll keep you posted on how this develops in the coming days. =)

Aaaand We're Back!

It has been brought to my attention that the release that comes from writing only happens when...well...you actually write! Allow me to elaborate where I've been these last 2 years!

I had the grand opportunity to serve my God with my whole heart, soul AND time for 18 months in Long Beach, California and the surrounding areas. This was a time of great excitement, learning and growing for me. I taught, cried, plead, and learned more than I could ever put in one blog post. This was all I had ever wanted to do with my life. That was it. I was satisfied. Now...I'm home, back to school/work/sociality and frankly, haven't got a clue what to do next.

This I do know, life is hard. Hard, trying, confusing and even a bit disappointing at times. But despite the hardship and let-downs, there is hope. "This life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the time for men to perform their labors." (Alma 34:32 This is a time of preparation! Preparation means mistakes can be made. Why can we make mistakes? Well, let me tell you. We make mistakes in preparation so that when the time comes to actually perform, we know where the mistakes are so we can avoid them. This is a process of learning, no? Learning sometimes requires trial and error. This video gave me a good idea about the kind of attitude we should have. :)

Now you might be asking yourself, "why in the world is she spouting on about this?" Let me clue you in. Yesterday I woke up feeling sick in the head, heart, and stomach. I had a slight fever and I had little to no strength to get out of bed. I was worried, plus I had too much to do to let something like "mental illness" keep me down. After a long crying session and going on a roommate-bonding excursion, I started feel a little better. As soon as I stopped moving, however, the wave of depression hit me like a ton of bricks. Now I'm not a depressed person. I am probably too ridiculously happy for my own good sometimes. This unbeatable depression was really worrying me. So I solicited a priesthood blessing from a good friend of mine. After the blessing, I felt a blanket of peace wrap around my shoulders, giving me strength enough to do my homework and be a normal person for a few more hours.

Then came time for work. I work at the Missionary Training Center (fondly known as the MTC) as a teacher of English-speaking missionaries. As soon as I entered the MTC, I felt that wall hit me again. "Oh no! Not again! I need to have the Holy Ghost to teach these missionaries! I can't be bawling my eyes out. They won't know what I'm saying!" When I entered the classroom, I felt panicked. I prayed and plead with God to tell me what to do. The thought that came, "let them have a real experience. Let them teach you." So that's what we did. They taught me, well, more comforted me. They used all the knowledge and experience they had to help me get through this trial I was enduring. Never in my life have I felt so grateful for the blessing of the Atonement and the power of God's servants in my life.

From this experience, I learned that one must rely on God, friends, family and even acquaintances to get through this crazy thing we call life. I needed a crutch and I wasn't using it. I thank my Father in Heaven for providing that opportunity for me to learn.

Now I will continue to post. I want to keep the world updated on my life and the wonderful life lessons I learn. I hope that my experiences will prove beneficial to all who read.