Ask and Ye Shall Receive

I had a moment today that I had to blog about.

As many of you are aware, I returned from serving as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in August, 2012. Since that time, I've been in somewhat of a struggle to find my purpose to life now. When you're a missionary, everything is all planned out. You wake up, exercise, eat, study, teach/find, eat, teach/find some more, eat again, teach/find, plan, wind down, sleep, repeat. Since I've been home, my schedule is anything but planned or regular. I rarely know where I'm going to be and too often, I don't know what I'll be doing. I've learned that I like plans. I don't necessarily always follow the plan but I like to have one anyway. It keeps me focused.

Anyway, since my life has started to become a little planless, my life has started to feel like it is falling apart. Noisy, destructive thoughts came creeping in from the dark recesses of my mind. Light and joy was overshadowed with darkness, distress and a little bit of fear. Last night was when it all hit a climax. I was stressed beyond belief. On one hand, I welcomed the idea of locking myself in my room, never to emerge until all my problems vanished with simple passage of time. On the other hand, I was afraid to go home from visiting a close friend because I didn't want to fall into that trap of idleness and misery.

Soon I found myself back at home. I knew I needed to go to bed because it was late and I had class early in the morning. I woke up feeling those same doubts and stresses. My load was more than I could bear. In this moment of loneliness and despair, a quiet thought entered my mind. "Call on God." It wasn't anything I hadn't ever thought of before. It wasn't even something I hadn't really tried before. But this time, it was different. I sat on my bed and with tears streaming down my cheeks I pleaded with my Father in Heaven. I begged Him to remove doubt from my mind. I cried in agonizing supplication for forgiveness of myself as well as patience with myself for the weaknesses I was discovering almost hourly.

After this prayer, I stood up and dashed off to class. I had failed my midterm  for this class so I've been working extra hard to do better. I found myself able to better throw myself into the discussion, even though I had missed lecture earlier this week. Then I dashed off to Russian choir. I don't speak a lick of Russian. I joined for a friend. I found the pronunciation easier to get a grasp of and my patience in learning the notes of these unfamiliar hymns held fast. Then I ran like crazy to get to the MTC for a shift at work. I won't be able to work with my missionaries for the remainder of the week so I wanted a chance to see them today. As we practiced and experienced a meaningful study session, I felt the spirit warm my heart and calm my mind. "Everything will be okay, Shavonne. Like you said, I will never abandon you. You know that." The feeling that entered my heart next reminded me of an experience had by another. I felt like the sunshine had just poked through the clouds, warming my soul with it's light. I was directed to a scripture found in Matthew 5:6, which reads, "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled." That was it! My life needed to be filled! Filled with what? Let's ask Jacob..."Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and without price.
Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness." (2 Nephi 9:50-51)

Now I have a purpose. Now I have a goal. I needed to share this experience, so thank you for reading. I know my Savior lives, and that He loves me. God has restored His gospel in it's fullness to the earth. Without it, we cannot return to live with Him again. I love you. Thank you for being in my life.