Crazy Things...

Don't know where that phrase comes from but I find myself saying it a lot nowadays.

Forgive my MIAness. I had an incredible weekend with a great deal of learning. I know I promised my thoughts on the previous post's talk so I'll start with that.

I want to start with this video. We talk about our trials sometimes coming from our choices and mistakes. My biggest trial is letting go of what I've done and moving on. I fix it immediately, sure, but I'm not as quick to forgive myself as I should.

Now how does this relate to Elder Richard G. Scott's talk about finding our way back? Let me take you through my thought process. 

Lately my thoughts have been taking me to the word grace. The Bible Dictionary defines grace as, "an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts." After reading that talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, my understanding of grace just deepened dramatically. It really is never too late to repent and come back because of the grace of God!

I was having another one of those downer days where everything just seemed to be crashing in on me. My thoughts went something like this, "Come on Shavonne! You have got to pick up the slack. You can't keep hiding out behind your laptop pretending your stress doesn't exist."

"But," I insist, "life has gotten too hard for me to handle. Everything I do/touch just falls apart. Why go try to change now? I won't be able to do it anyway."

Me interjects here (I and Me argue a lot in my head. I warned you this would be crazy.) to say, "Now you know that's not true. Just because it has seemed that way in the past doesn't mean it is true. You have changed already Shavonne! Don't let this get you down!"

It was at this moment when I pulled out my planner to get my thoughts out of my head. I have to do this every once in a while or I break down in uncontrollable sobs. I was at work. This is what came out on paper, "Why? Why allow yourself to sink into despair? You have a tender heart and a great responsibility to not forget your God. (Now I know why the brother of Jared was chastised for 3 hours) Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Shake off the chains of the evil one and stand tall." There are times when I write that the words the come onto the page are not my own. This was one of those times. I was then guided to Elder Scott's talk when I came across this passage, "Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. (See 1 Ne. 22:26.)" Now here comes the moment where I give thanks to my Father in Heaven for being mindful of me in my situation. I needed comfort AND counsel and He gave it to me. Then He confirmed it through the words of a prophet, seer and revelator.

Now I know, with all the feeling of my soul, that God is mindful of His children. He knows we make mistakes. He knows some of us, namely me, get lazy sometimes and then fall into habits that are less than conducive to effective service in His kingdom while also having fun in the great BYU experience. Those habits won't just change themselves though. We need to start now to make those changes. There is a reason we call this the life experience. It is through our experience that we truly learn and change. Experience doesn't happen without action.

I hope this makes sense. I certainly feel better having written this out. Thank you for reading! May you find your way back to Christ when you stray. 

"Find the Way Back"

It has been brought to my attention through a near constant probing of the Spirit on my heartstrings that somethings in my life are still not in line with the Lord's will. With that, I read a very revelatory talk that has changed my perspective, yet again, and given me hope. I will attach it here then comment tomorrow because my road to change starts with getting myself up in the morning. =)

Finding The Way Back by: Elder Richard G. Scott

The Light Brightens

I realize I already blogged this morning but I gained a tremendous insight today that needs to be recorded. I hope you enjoy it!

"Individuals and families begin to follow Christ as they exercise faith in Him and repent of theirs sins. They receive a remission of sins through baptism and by receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost from one who has authority from God to perform these ordinances. They then endure to the end, or, in other words, they continue throughout their lives in exercising faith in Jesus Christ, repenting, and renewing the covenants they have made. These are not just steps that [I] experience once in [my life]; rather, when repeated throughout life these principles become an increasingly rewarding patter of living. In fact, it is the only way of living that will bring peace of conscience and enable Heavenly Father's children to return to live in His presence" (Preach My Gospel pg. 6 emphasis added). 

I read this paragraph in a mock training meeting for applicants applying to be training coordinators at the MTC. When I read this, the italicized part really stuck out to me. These are NOT simply steps in the doctrine of Christ. These are, simply put, the way of life I am learning to master bit by bit. I'm finding that whenever my capability to learn and act increases, my trials and stress mount up like the tallest canyon walls trying to block my view. What is most amazing to me is the principle of pressing through. Remember how I mentioned in last post the difficulty of "pressing forward with a steadfastness in Christ"? To my understanding now, I am coming to realize that it has to be difficult. This is "good stress." It's healthy to have push back. It's not because I'm being punished for something. (Even if I were, punishment doesn't diminish with tears. It just gets sharper and more painful.) I am being taught from on high. 

This next thought goes out to any RMs reading this. Have you experienced the same doubts I have? I feel like sometimes I am not worthy of miracles and rich blessings because I'm simply not as full-time dedicated to the work as I once was. I feel less entitled to receiving poignant revelation and direction in my actions because now they, my actions, are more for my benefit than another. 

Now that I have my doubts and insecurities out on the table, allow me to shed what light I've gained on the subject. I went running today with a dear friend. Well...running, then wheezing, then walking, then running again. While we were out, we talked about our lives. As most energy-releasing activities do, I found my ability to evaluate my life and form better goals for myself increasing. I came to a realization that blessings take work. Not because God wants me to prove anything to Him. He already knows what I can and can't do. It is because of two reasons: 1. I need to learn my own limits and 2. blessings stem from exercising agency, which requires work. 

I know these thoughts are a little jumbled and for that I apologize. I needed to get these thoughts out so I can let more in. =D Thanks for reading. Tomorrow should offer more clarity.

Light Bulb Moment

Here I hit a wall. I feel the need to blog but find that I have little or nothing to say. It's that feeling you get when writing a paper for school. You know it's due the next day but you don't know what else you could possibly say! Except this should be my thoughts and experiences and those never end.

The days that have passed since my last post have been somewhat of a blur. We had a three day weekend but I couldn't tell you what I did. When I look back, all I see is a haze. I'm self-diagnosing a mental/emotional virus. Others might call it "falling into a funk." Whatever it is, it makes "press[ing] forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men" (2 Nephi 31:20) rather difficult to do, especially in the mornings. As I typed that, my mind flashed to an experience of another young person who simply wanted an answer to a question. When he asked, he said he was seized upon by some being from the unseen world. Could this be my seizing moment? It is hard to fight, to be sure, but it came so subtly I almost didn't recognize it. Maybe that is why Mormon describes the devil with words like subtle and crafty, lying in wait to deceive.

Now I know what I'm fighting. It's amazing how much more free I feel with this knowledge at hand. I can/will pick myself up and dust off my bent shoulders. I will give my burden to One who can carry it. I'll keep you posted on how this develops in the coming days. =)

Aaaand We're Back!

It has been brought to my attention that the release that comes from writing only happens when...well...you actually write! Allow me to elaborate where I've been these last 2 years!

I had the grand opportunity to serve my God with my whole heart, soul AND time for 18 months in Long Beach, California and the surrounding areas. This was a time of great excitement, learning and growing for me. I taught, cried, plead, and learned more than I could ever put in one blog post. This was all I had ever wanted to do with my life. That was it. I was satisfied. Now...I'm home, back to school/work/sociality and frankly, haven't got a clue what to do next.

This I do know, life is hard. Hard, trying, confusing and even a bit disappointing at times. But despite the hardship and let-downs, there is hope. "This life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the time for men to perform their labors." (Alma 34:32 This is a time of preparation! Preparation means mistakes can be made. Why can we make mistakes? Well, let me tell you. We make mistakes in preparation so that when the time comes to actually perform, we know where the mistakes are so we can avoid them. This is a process of learning, no? Learning sometimes requires trial and error. This video gave me a good idea about the kind of attitude we should have. :)

Now you might be asking yourself, "why in the world is she spouting on about this?" Let me clue you in. Yesterday I woke up feeling sick in the head, heart, and stomach. I had a slight fever and I had little to no strength to get out of bed. I was worried, plus I had too much to do to let something like "mental illness" keep me down. After a long crying session and going on a roommate-bonding excursion, I started feel a little better. As soon as I stopped moving, however, the wave of depression hit me like a ton of bricks. Now I'm not a depressed person. I am probably too ridiculously happy for my own good sometimes. This unbeatable depression was really worrying me. So I solicited a priesthood blessing from a good friend of mine. After the blessing, I felt a blanket of peace wrap around my shoulders, giving me strength enough to do my homework and be a normal person for a few more hours.

Then came time for work. I work at the Missionary Training Center (fondly known as the MTC) as a teacher of English-speaking missionaries. As soon as I entered the MTC, I felt that wall hit me again. "Oh no! Not again! I need to have the Holy Ghost to teach these missionaries! I can't be bawling my eyes out. They won't know what I'm saying!" When I entered the classroom, I felt panicked. I prayed and plead with God to tell me what to do. The thought that came, "let them have a real experience. Let them teach you." So that's what we did. They taught me, well, more comforted me. They used all the knowledge and experience they had to help me get through this trial I was enduring. Never in my life have I felt so grateful for the blessing of the Atonement and the power of God's servants in my life.

From this experience, I learned that one must rely on God, friends, family and even acquaintances to get through this crazy thing we call life. I needed a crutch and I wasn't using it. I thank my Father in Heaven for providing that opportunity for me to learn.

Now I will continue to post. I want to keep the world updated on my life and the wonderful life lessons I learn. I hope that my experiences will prove beneficial to all who read.