Musings on Change

Why is it that when we encounter big changes in our lives, we tend to focus our energies on seeing the inadequacies instead of seeing the change for the possibilities for growth?

For anyone who reads this who knows me fairly well (at least, on the level of Facebook anyway) you might well guess the kind of changes I'm referring to. For those who may not know me as well, I'm referring to changes like getting married, having children, moving out of the home for the first time and so on. Lately, as I've been preparing for my future changes in life, my thoughts turn more negative instead of positive. "How will I be able to keep being loved after all the mistakes I make?" or "Is this really something I want?"

As I type that, however, I notice a key flaw in the logic of these statements. These statements act under the assumption that I am alone in this change. Now I ask you, when is anyone ever TRULY alone? With a loving Father in Heaven and angels surrounding us, there is never a time that we can truly say we have been completely alone. What comfort this brings, doesn't it? I'm reminded of a talk by an apostle of the Lord, Jesus Christ. In this talk, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland speaks of our Savior and His lonely journey to provide our salvation. This was a path He had to walk completely alone. He did this solitary act so that we do not have to endure doubt and insecurity on our own. We can trust that His grace IS sufficient for us and that we will be lifted up at the last day if we are faithful (D&C 17:8).

I'm sorry I've been so MIA. I've decided to get back to writing. Thanks for reading!

"And if ye receive not the Spirit..."

"...ye shall not teach." (Doctrine and Covenants 42:14). 

Have you ever run into that moment when you feel like you've arrived at that final destination where you can do no wrong? Have you ever hit that moment after being taught specifically that you have not nor will you reach "it" for quite a lot more time? Well, that about sums up my last few days. 

Elder David A. Bednar once invited a woman to ask the Lord where she stands. He cautioned her, however, to remember what it was she was really asking for and to prepare herself for a brutally honest experience. I decided to take that challenge and ask exactly how I was doing. The response? I am starting to better understand the significance of putting to action what we learn. God trusts us a lot with the knowledge He gives us. He expects us to act according to the understanding of our hearts. This is why Moroni invites the reader of the Book of Mormon to "...ask God, in the name of Christ, with a sincere heart and real intent..." Without that "real intent," there is no reason to have knowledge added upon our heads. I am convinced that Heavenly Father does not deal in random trivia. He knows we only need pure, simple doctrine that will point us to salvation. 

Well I decided that I wanted to know, but not to do. Not that it was too hard, but that I simply didn't want to put forth the effort required. I had been so richly instructed these last few weeks that I almost forgot the importance of acting on what I was learning. I let it slide through the cracks of my life. Today it all sort of blew up in my face. I knew exactly when my prayers where not sincere. I felt immediately that I had not adequately prepared. And most of all, I was shaken by the very doubts and fears that had haunted me before I had figured out how to combat them. It frightened me. I felt very vulnerable and almost alone. It was after teaching that a piercing thought came to my mind, "how can I teach you more when you will not experiment and experience what you have already been taught?" Talk about a firm rebuking. I knew that it simply wouldn't do to keep making goals that I didn't intend to keep. I also knew that I needed to make meaningful goals and keep them if I was to progress anymore. So I sit (because I'm not standing while typing this) here with a repentant heart. I will do better. "And there's nuttin' you girls can do about it!"

Time to Organize

There is a level of organization and concreteness when one write's one's thoughts down. There is a level of commitment and determination when those written thoughts are then published for anyone to see. This is me holding myself accountable to the things I know.

It's been quite a few weeks since I have blogged. In those past few weeks, I allowed myself to become idle, lazy and otherwise, "not a wise servant" (Doctrine and Covenants 58:26-29). I won't go into unnecessary detail but suffice it to say that my movement was digression rather than progression. It has been in the last few days that I have realized this lack of proactiveness and decided to do something about it. As teachers in the MTC, we have been focusing a lot on holiness. What I have learned in my studies of this is how much being holy requires us to use our personal agency to gain and use the power of the Atonement.

Now this sounds really cool and all, but what do I do about it? Well, with it being summer and all, there are plenty of opportunities to waste time. Time wasted on social networking sites, mindless websites and random games on my phone, is time that I could have spent cultivating new talents, learning something new from history or science, discovering, spending time with friends or simply cleaning my apartment. I am on my way to make a plan that will motivate and provide an opportunity for me to avoid wasting time and focus on the things that are most important. I'll let you know how that plan goes.

I don't have much else to say today, other than thank you for reading. I slipped into a dangerous place but I am in the process of rising back up again. :)

Scatterbrained Much?

I'm sitting in my grandma's house thinking to myself, "Self, remember when you started a blog and wanted to record funny and spiritual stories?" Self replies to I, "why yes I. I do remember that." 

"Then Self," I inquire, "why did you stop?" 

"Well, I, let me tell you." To which Me promptly steps into the conversation.

So not to whine about my life, but things have been a little rough the past few days. Mostly because I've been incredibly confused and haven't been able to resolve that confusion in my brain. What's even more crazy is I couldn't tell you what I'm even confused about. I'm just confused. 

I was talking to my friend about my confusion when I came to a realization. I told her I felt like a lost and confused soldier. Well, when a soldier needs direction, don't they turn to base for orders? Why don't I just turn to base?

I did. In fact, I was reminded that I do frequently. That can be a source of the problem. Now before I get judged for my heresy, hear me out...or read me out? The Lord gives this statement in the Doctrine and Covenants, "For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward." (D&C 58:26) I get to some places in my life where I pray to be commanded in all things. I don't know how to proceed so I ask and ask for specific guidance. The answer comes as a, "have faith and do something. I'll tell you if it be right."  I was told that whatever will happen will happen and that I shouldn't be too concerned about it. (I've been receiving the advice, "Don't worry so much" a lot. haha). 

On the flip side, however, I also wonder if it isn't simply a matter of patience. Have I done all I can do? Now is it simply time to wait and let what may be, be? I have not come to one definite answer yet for this question, but rather I feel like the Lord is teaching me as per His usual, "line upon line, precept upon precept." I am currently wrestling with two major questions, What does the Lord want me to become? and How can I better teach/serve as the Savior did/does? In my studies regarding these two questions, I have come to learn that to answer either of these questions, I must act in faith. Faith, as one missionary defined it so well for me, is courage. Courage to do what needs to be done, whether we see the end result or not. It is this courage, combined with patience, that I am striving to develop this week. I thank my loving Father in Heaven for wonderful friends/family who help me stay pointed in that direction. More importantly, I thank Him for sending His Son so that I may have the power of the Atonement to draw upon in times of struggle. I cannot travel this path alone. 

Thank you for reading my musings. I'm feeling so good, I might just include a poem. :)

The Purpose

Today is why I needed to do this project. Well, one of the reasons anyway.

Funny story:
I actually had trouble coming up with one for today. I had a little help to remember though. The funny story for today comes from my experience in the MTC. While I was in the MTC, we were informed that we would be taking on an experience to humble us and help us rediscover the purpose of missionary work through action. We chose a companion to teach with and were then given the opportunity to teach an investigator. Now it feels like I haven't done this in a long time...because I haven't so as soon as the announcement was made, I was terrified! How could I teach? I was so out of practice! The sheer nervousness it brought up in me just caused me to laugh. It looks like I'll be practicing hard core these next couple weeks.

Spiritual story:
Heavenly Father teaches us "line upon line. Precept upon precept." Sometimes the answer we are looking for  is simply buried in a serious of answers. When we finish one line, another line is brought before us to take on. Sometimes we want the full answer, the big picture, all at once, right now. We are very impatient creatures. What we fail to realize in our hurry to gain knowledge is that that knowledge had been coming to us the whole time. We are promised that if we are good and do all we know we should, knowledge and understanding will "distill upon [our] soul[s] as the dews from heaven" (D&C 121:45). When we get too hasty, we forget what we have already learned.

Oh my goodness! This is why the prophets in the Book of Mormon are always telling us to "remember"! How can doctrine gather like a morning dew if we forget what we have already received? The purpose of learning is to build on what has already been given. If we throw what we have been given aside, on what foundation shall we build?

Thank you for reading. I pray the Lord's blessing on you. =)

Count Your Many Blessings...

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed.
When you are discouraged thinking all is lost.
Count your many blessings name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done." (LDS Hymnbook #241)

Funny story time:

I love people. They sincerely and dearly want to help in any way possible. The problem with being the one in distress, it's hard to tell what they can help with. Today I was in a bit of distress. It's the kind of distress that only time can really heal. Time and a good attitude I should say. But, because people are so wonderful, they want to help. So my funny story of the day is this, how many times can a girl hear "This must mean there is someone even better out there for you." before the day is through? Any guesses? The answer is roughly 10. That exact phrase. This is where my brain reminds me, "it's the thought that counts."

Spiritual story time:

This also involves my distress but in a good way. When I become distressed, I reach a point where I feel like I can't do anything anymore. This phantom-like pain runs through my spine and I can't shut off the water works in my eyes. It was in this state that I felt to call upon the Lord. "Heavenly Father!" I shouted from within my agony, "I can't do this alone. Not tonight. Please, if you will, just hold me tonight. Send an angel or 20 to just hold me!" (Yeah so maybe I was feeling a little melodramatic.) As soon as the prayer was closed and my covers folded over my shoulder, I felt a feeling of great peace, almost smothering but in a comforting way. When I woke up this morning, I felt great. I was well rested and eager to begin the day.

God loves His children. He doesn't prevent heartache and sadness, but He knows what we are going through and will always be there with a shoulder to cry on. Just as the prophet Nephi said, "Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.
And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.
And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.
O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?" (2 Nephi 4:23-26)

It is important to remember the good things in life when storms beat upon you. So count your many blessings and the Lord will show you how blessed you truly are.